The 10 Most Common Mistakes Made In Horror Movies!

When I’m watching horror movies I often find myself disagreeing or flat out screaming and throwing things at my screen, depending on how many drinks I have had. All these films seem to commit the same crimes against logic. Well I made a list of the most common mistakes made in horror movies and in the interest of psychological satisfaction; I made a list of ten.

1.) Being black: now I don’t know where this practice came from, but as every recent horror movie points out, darker skin equals a darker future. Which I think is ridiculous. I don’t understand where the standard came from. Never the less it’s a bad thing to be black in horror movies. It’s not fair. It’s pretty racist. Not cool Hollywood. When I write a horror movie only the black people will survive…ill call it ‘Halloween in Harlem’.

2.) Slippery feet: whenever some teen is bolting from whatever monster that’s slowly plodding along, they end up almost miles away and can’t even see the bad guy anymore. In the clear, right? Wrong! They sprint a few more feet and as if someone pressed a ‘jellify legs button’ the dumb kid falls right on their ass. Not a big deal, just get back up right? Fuckin wrong! The kid’s legs are rendered completely useless! Now, I don’t know about you, but when you drink as much as me, you fall down a lot and even in a drunken stumbling I manage to find my way back to my feet. So you can bet if a monster is chasing me? I would get right back up and keep running! In the horror movie I make, everyone is wearing golf shoes.

3.) Having sex: Every time a couple finds themselves walking around, right after hearing the story about the crazy murder that only comes out on the particular day of the week we are visiting this specific place, the man somehow hornswoggles his woman into some private place of the mansion/warehouse/cabin, wherever this is taking place. Being the over sexed jock asshole he is, he insists that she allow him to place himself inside her sexbox (that’s the scientific term). Well, being the clear minded and responsible individual she is with her big tits and blonde hair, of course she says yes. Now this is where the problem arises…along with a few other things (badum tsss). The bad guy always walks in and mega cock blocks, or attacks right after they are done. This problem stems from people just not paying attention to your surroundings. Partying is the same problem. When I write my movie, I’m going to have every guy be castrated. No nuts, no problems.

4.) Car keys: this one drives me nuts. Here’s the scene, some broad is calmly walking to her car, when the music starts…, she here’s some steps or a trash can falls over or hears giggling, naturally she’s concerned and goes to reach in her black hole of a purse, which has completely eaten her keys. The music and sound gets more concerned, keys in hand, it’s a simple move to open the door and get the hell out of there. Not for this lady. Apparently all these scenes are shot before they invented keyless entry, so after fumbling around and looking for the right key, which she’s forgot what it looks like, finds the right key, now the music and noises are so nerve racking , she can’t get the key in the hole! While she’s scratching the shit out of her paint job, the inevitable happens, she drops the damn keys. Immediately, falling to her knees to look for them. By the way, they always slide under the car, breaking several physics laws and when scrambling to reach them, she’s dragged off to get murdered! When I write a horror movie everyone will have keyless start quads. An interesting thought and a cheap transition comes up when if by some miracle she gets in the car, we move right into out next mistake.

5.) Getting in a car: your car will always stall, blow a tire or run out of gas. Sometimes all three if you are a particularly unfortunate group. Once one of these events befalls or teenage group they are literally trapped in a metal casing awaiting certain death. I say trapped because the doors always lock. Always. The same revision applies for this one.

6.) Going back: Here’s another scene; group of kids run out of house after a particularly bad scare, being the most sensible thing to do. On the way out, the stupid girl usually, falls on her face and yells for help. As soon as they are outside some white knight asshole wants to go back and save her. I’ll save you the suspense, they don’t make it back out. When I write a horror movie, I’m going to write a girl into it who falls and they rest of the group laughs and gets out alive, goes to the bar and has a great time while never having remorse for the clumsy girl.

7.) Splitting up: I don’t know why these kids are taking advice from Scooby doo. Every episode, stupid ass Freddy suggests they split up and go check different rooms. That works for stupid business men dresses in rubber suits. Doesn’t work for crazed murderers. Every time they make some ridiculous justification of why they should not stay in a group where there is safety. One by one they are picked off and slaughtered like the moronic livestock they are. It’s dumb. Period. When I write a horror movie, Part of the torment to scare the group would be that they are chained together.

8.) Not listening to kids: For some weird ass reason, demons and monsters are always sympathetic to kids. Not only do they not get killed, but the demon tells the dumb kid all the secrets, what’s going to happen next, and how to stop the damn thing. This advance knowledge is coupled with the added advantage of Hollywood not having enough balls to have a child get killed. The little kid tells his parents all this vital information. So what do they do? They send the kid to some mental institution. Then by the end of the movie, the parents are getting killed, but stay alive long enough to feel stupid for not listening. When I write a horror, movie there will be no kids. It simply wouldn’t be realistic to listen to a child. Ever.

9.) Staying in the house: the biggest problem I have with most horror movies is eventually, they have to address the pressing issue of why, in god’s name, would you stay in a house that is blatantly haunted. Some movies deal with this in a smart way and trap them in the situation. No way out, it adds to the terror when they can’t get away no matter how hard they try. Unfortunately, the most common practice, is to just make the lead male, usually a father or jock asshole, convinces everyone nothing is wrong and makes them stay. When I make a horror film, there will be. No escape! Dun dun! This one also transitions into the next mistake.

10.) Tough guy: You know this guy; he’s big, muscular, and loud. His dick is probably the size of a mutated almond. He’s the alpha male. The testosterone pumping through his veins surges his childish fantasy of “dominance”. He’s the guy little kids want you to picture in your head while you argue with them on the internet. Here’s why this is a mistake. The tough guy attitude comes with a certain expectation to take charge of a situation. This comes out in the form of either yelling at or sometimes trying to fight the bad guy. This goes against the obvious reality that, in any good horror movie, the bad guy is in complete control and he will soon make that apparent when he rips this douche bags head off! When I make a horror movie, I’ll make the whole cast nothing but tough guys, it would make me happy to watch the jerk offs be murdered one by one.

Well there you go. Heed my words and stay alive friends.

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