V/H/S/ (2012)

Reviewed by R.T.K.

Currently drinking: Gin, just gin.

While I was scouring the movie databases I wanted to find a film that came out recently, but didn’t get any attention. I didn’t care if it sucked, I didn’t care if it was good, and I just wanted it to a movie that almost has seen. As near as I can tell I got exactly what I asked for when I stumbled upon V/H/S/. I knew nothing of this movie and I couldn’t have been happier, so I dove right in!

The movie V/H/S/ is a multi-platform movie with one overlying theme throughout. Kind of like creep show! Each section of the film is directed and written by a different person. I didn’t know this when I started watching and it would have cleared a lot up…

As soon as it starts I was immediately discouraged when I realized it was yet another first person shot movie. It’s been over used! I can fill this whole post with movies that shot or had at least one segment shot in first person. I’m over it. It doesn’t scare me anymore, is what I thought when it started.

It starts out with our “heroes” running around causing mischief in some random building. It jumps between scenes of them running amok, making girls flash their bewbs and whatnot. I immediately take notice of the extremely bad quality. Is that on purpose or because it’s from Russia? Not racist…anyway. It is quickly revealed that an unknown third party has hired them to break into a house and steal a rare vhs tape. Gee I would have to say any vhs tape in this day and age is a rare one but again I think you know, Russia…still not racist. The person promises to pay well upon retrieval so they make their way over. At the front door as they are about to break in it is mentioned that there is an old man that lives in the house. Well that’s no bother to our protagonists, they head right in. while they stumble around with a bright ass light on attached to the camera. I have to believe this man old man they spoke of is either deaf, the deepest sleeper ever or dead. They split up half upstairs half basement. The upstairs crew walks into a room filled with the heavy noise of static and a wall of several small TVs just static. The three gentlemen walk in and immediately notice the old man sitting in a chair as if he was watching the screens. I am amazed he is not waking up…oh he is dead…well then, called it! They look around for all of five seconds and determine after such a “thorough” search the vhs is not in that particular room. I would be a great idea for them to all ventures off together through the rest of the house, but instead they break the number one rule in any horror movie. Don’t split up! They leave one guy behind in the room to…actually I’m not one hundred percent clear on why they made him stay behind. Anyway as soon the others are gone he comes up with the radical idea of looking in a vhs player….for the vhs. The room has about 50 vhs players and he checks one of them, wouldn’t you know it, there is a vhs in it. Unlabeled of course. He pops it in and we are off to our first segment.

Amateur night is what it was dubbed in the credits. This particular segment was directed by David Bruckner. It begins with a group of college dudes showing off how cool their glasses that record are, I honestly think it’s even cooler that they record on to a vhs tape. Anyway the plan of the night is to pick up chicks and film the sex with said glasses. Well that’s easier said than done my friends.  At

the bar, they quickly are able to put the moves on a couple of girls who seem to enjoy their attempt to drag them back to a crappy motel and canoodle each other. One girl that they meet in the group is really fuckin creepy. Like big ol’ eyes creepy. Pale skin, likes to stare, and remains creepy the entire night. The camera hops around scenes of them hittin it off with the ladies. All the way to the leaving together. Brings two of the girls back to the motel. Drunken chick passes out on one of the guys so he decides it’s time to make the moves on the creepy girl. She’s down with it. Not only is she down with it but she want the other dudes to join! The guy with the recording glasses goes in the bathroom to give himself a nice speech about how he’s got this. As soon as he’s about to head back out the second guy runs in the bathroom screaming about how she bit the shit outta him.  You can hear the other guy screaming out on the bed. Camera glasses peers out to see the girl ripping his ass apart with her bare hands. They grab the shower curtain in an attempt to fight their way out. Surprise it doesn’t work! She eats him too. The glasses guy is hiding in the corner, now is when you should run! He actually listens and bolts out of the room and down the first flight of stairs now down the second. One more flight of stairs and he’s free. Well he would be if he followed the second rule of all horror movies. Step carefully. Anyone that runs in a horror movie is bound to fall on their ass and leave them vulnerable. This guy is no different. He trips down the last flight of stairs and reveals his wrist is broken, which apparently keeps you from getting up and running away from the vampire! Oh yeah by the way up in the room she screams in the camera man’s face and you get a glimpse of the teeth. Vampire for sure. A real vampire. She tries to make sex with him while he’s bleeding on the floor. He makes it clear that he’s not in the mood by screaming out for help. She backs off and starts crying for some reason. Now he can run again. Well it’s not good because he’s clearly yelling for help and everyone is just telling to get lost. Gee such a compassionate group of people. Well it doesn’t matter anyway cause he is flown into the air by a winged beast presumably the for the vampire takes while picking up guys (budum tsss). His classes fall to the ground and the tape ends. Now I was confused at the end because it comes back to the guy in front of the television all freaked out. I was under the impression whatever was on the tape would have been the whole movie. Not the case. Now moving down stairs t

o the basement they find a vast collection of tapes they plan to take all of. Right after they decide on that it’s back upstairs where he pops in another tape. This starts out with a couple driving on route 66 through AZ! Shout out to Arizona. You can tell its Arizona because it’s a buncha fuckin desert like twenty percent of this segment. Second honeymoon is the name of this part and it was directed by Ti west. Wait why that sound familiar…does hey he did (house of the devil)! And (the innkeepers)! Good I like this guy. Well the couple goes through their vacation pretty normally. In their hotel room they are relaxing all fine then a knock at the door. Oh man this is never good. Camera jumps to her asking the husband what just happened he explains there was a lady at the door that wanted a ride in the morning to somewhere. Obviously said no. they turn off the camera to go to bed when it suddenly turns back on. It records the guys face….then the woman’s face…uh oh the girl got in the room. She pulls out a switch blade and goes about her business of stealing all their money. Then she goes and dips his toothbrush in the toilet? Really? From creepy murderer to childish pranks?  Wakes up next morning and is almost uncaring about losing 100 dollars. I wouldn’t have walked another foot away from my current location if I lost 100 bucks ad his ass wants to go to Vegas! Back to a different motel they go back to sleep. Camera turns back on late at night and this time she goes to work quickly! Switch blade in the throat! Oh man now it’s the wife’s turn! The girl runs in the bathroom clean the blade to …not have it be dirty when she kills woman! Wait minute she kissing someone who’s*GASP* ye gads! The wife was in cahoots with the murderer the whole time! Tape ends. Dang that was a good one. It reminds me of his style very much. Good job Ti West!

Back to looking for the one tape….meh lets skip this and get to the next segment!

This one is called Tuesday the 17th ad is directed by a man named Glenn Mcquaid.

We start out with 4 teens headed up to a cabin for a fun filled weekend by a lake…which is breaking rule number three in all horror movies. Stay away from large bodies of water, more than likely the monster chasing you doesn’t need to breathe. Ask Jason Voorhees about kids hanging out by a lake.  While they are walking around checking the out the forestry they come upon a wall where Wendy claims her friend had died on that wall and the camera flashes to a scene of her friend laying against the wall all bloodied up. I’m assuming it’s something only we can see because the camera man doesn’t seem very concerned. Later after some hanging out. Nancy, the girl that brought them up there, is staring at the lake and a dead body flickers on and off the camera. While they were away from the group they girl, Wendy, tells him flat out and I quote “you are all going to fucking die up here” he just says what. Then she just ignores it and the subject changes…I don’t think that’s a statement you just let go! I mean really. All them hanging out, Nancy tells a story of a man who was never caught after killing people. She laughs it off like a joke. I would never hang out with this broad…she’s creepy and they are up alone with her ass. In the forest no one can hear you scream…sorry that was a cheap one. So the group fragments again. While the blonde and a kid I later find out is named spider, are out in the forest alone. She’s showing off her stupid dance moves. When *CA-chunk* oh Christ she’s got a knife through the back of her head and out her eye! Spider goes to run off when h

e’s apprehended by what appears to be a blur. After he is killed Nancy picks up the camera and goes back to the other guy…you know the living guy. At first she offers him sex but after revealing he’s gay, I only say that cause after being offered sex he seems more concerned with where the other guests are. After she realizes he’s not taking the bait she reveals that the only reason she brought them up there is for bait for the murderer, because no one caught him and treated her like she was crazy and she wanted him on film to prove she right. The man only shows up on film as a blur. He blazes through and kills the rest of them including Wendy! Tape ends. Damn that was good too!

Back to main story. The two guys that left him up there in the first place come back to see he is no longer in the room watching tapes. One proposes he will go search for him while the other one watches more tapes to find the one they are looking for.

This next segment is called the sick thing that happened to Emily when she was younger. Directed by Joe Swanberg. Its starts out with a couple chatting on the interwebs. She talks about her arm hurting which I thought was pointless. It’ll come back I promise. So she moves on into a story about how she hears footsteps outside her bedroom door. She calls him later that night to tell him she can hear the footsteps, the boyfriends expert advice, go out to investigate. After not finding anything she sits down to whine about not find…WHAT THE HELL!!! Some little blue pajamas demon ghost kid runs in the room and slams the door. Next she is telling him how she’s planning on talking to him and finding out why he’s there. She lifts her arm to reveal she’s cutting a giant hole in her arm to get the lump out. Boyfriend says not to cause she still has a scar from last time she did the same thing on her leg. Next night she’s too scared to go back out and wants the boyfriend to tell her when he can see the ghost then she while talk to it. After some searching the little bastard is standing right behind her. A bright flash fills the room and the next scene is her out cold on the floor. A man enters the room and promptly begins to slice her open and rip out and unborn demon/fetus. He begins talking to the little girls sitting around his girlfriend’s body telling them that he wants to know how many times they are gonna do this to her and asking about the tracking device in her arm. Right around this time I begin to notice this guy’s voice is pretty damn familiar. It’s her boyfriend! He’s been doing this to her since she was a little girl! Good god! After realizing she’s covered in too much blood he says he has to break some of her bones…what…the…actual…hell. The next morning she’s covered in bruises and a cast. She went to a doctor who diagnosed her with some psychotic condition. Dang what a crazy ending. Then the camera jumps to him chatting with a whole other woman! Then it ends…

Back to the main plot. Old man is no longer in chair and the guy watching the tape is gone. Last guy goes around looking for him and he finds him all right…with no head. He freaks out and makes a break for it when the old man comes running down the hall and attacks him.

Now what happens next is really confusing because as far as I know that should be the end of the movie. Instead it jumps around to another tape of some kids getting ready for a Halloween party.

This tape is named 10/31/98 this one is directed by a man named radio silence…awesome name dude.

They head to a house for a party only to find no one there. After watching them walking through the house for a minute you start to realize it looks very familiar. It’s the house from the main plot. After the kids spend a while walking through the empty house you can clearly see a lady walk down the stair case and disappear. All the other friends start freaking out about how cool the decorations are because they have arms coming out and reaching at them from the walls…going up stairs, things start to ramp up. You can see her in almost every scene hiding in some corner. You begin to hear some faint chanting from the upstairs. When they venture up to investigate they discover a small group of people with a young lady tied up screaming and crying. The group of kids starts chanting along thinking its part of the festivities. Well they aren’t invited to this party. The start turning into demons and flying off into the shadows. The kids run down the stairs and before leaving decide they have to help the young lady. Breaking yet another horror movie rule. You don’t go back for anything if you are already half way out. Either way they go back and grab they girl. Running out of the house now with a load of cargo, namely a young lady. On the way out some generic but terrifying crap goes on windows get bigger smaller, arms coming out of walls, plates floating through the

air. They get out the house, they get to the car. In the car…and breaking yet another horror movie rule. Stay the fuck out of cars! And here’s why, the car stalls! In all the confusion they don’t notice the girl has disappeared from the car. She appears in front of the car and we quickly discover where the car is stalled. On the railroad tracks.

Credits… I’m…I don’t even…

So many questions I don’t even know if I’m supposed to know the answer to. This anthology of horror really threw me back. Now for some meaningless ratings.

Acting: 5/5 it seemed like a buncha kids on vhs tape which exactly what they went for. No cheesy overacting or anything like that.

Music: N/A it wasn’t really music more like creepy sounds.

Production: 5/5 it’s the crappy quality everyone wanted in paranormal activity 3. Went all out with effects.

Scary: 4/5 I didn’t jump or yell, but I was uneasy and scared throughout.

Story: 4/5 I think I thought what I was supposed to think but I don’t know if what I thought was what I was supposed to think, I think.

Overall: 4/5 if you can find it, watch it! 

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