Exit Humanity (2011)

 Reviewed by R.T.K.

I think the entire planet can agree that the zombie genre has been beaten into the ground it had just risen up from feed on the flesh of mankind, so I always find myself going into these movies with an admittedly un fair biased as soon as I discovered that this movie was going to attempt to resurrect the genre (pun intended). Exit humanity is set in post-civil war era Tennessee  the whole story is being read out a journal that our main character Edward young , a strong brown haired bushy mountain man(played by mark Gibson) wrote as his personal account of how the world went to shit in a shit basket.  After a little prologue and introducing the zombies the movie abruptly starts with Edward jumping out of some sort of nightmare only to recall he has just shot his wife (slim beautiful also brown haired and surprisingly clean for living in an 1800s cabin (played by Sara Stunt) in the face after discovering she has become a no good flesh chewer…. As he runs around yelling at everything…literally everything, he comes to a disturbing realization that his son Malcolm (blonde haired blue eyed…. {She’s cheating bro} ever curious (played by some kid) has gone missing somewhere in the undead infested world. This leads to about 7 long minutes of shopped up scenes from him burying his wife, to running around screaming MALCOM!!!!! To having dinner with his no torn apart family to talking to his wife back to digging back to yelling back to family night…..etc. etc. decides to set out and find his illegitimate son because well it’s all he’s got left now that his wife is worm food. Out he goes into the wild green yonder along the way, conveniently discovering every zombie movie secret along the way in about a fraction of the time it takes any other movie to figure it out, felt rushed like they were dying to find a quick way to mention it without having those specific facts take up too much time.

On his travels to find his child which I’m now assuming is the main plot of this movie we are actually delighted with several beautiful scenes of a lush forest, the random slaughtering of a walking dead, a corpse burnt to the point of no recognition….as he passes over this child’s charred remains he is “relived to discover it not his son” how in the actually hell can you know for a fact that’s not your kid? Do you have his dental records in your pocket? Or a DNA scanner in your 19th century leather pouch?? Any way moving on to a gorgeous river scene where he stops to rest presumably tired from sitting on a horse all day….did I mention he was riding a horse? Well he’s riding a horse….now back to the river. Down to the bank where he can wash his face and get a drink all is calm all is UNHOLY CRACKERS OF CHRIST!!!! I fucking hate jump scares….so much. Stupid zombie jumps up from the water and grabs our seemingly helpless hero. They fight and struggling and thrash about in the water for about 10 seconds.  Until Ed decides to kill the zombie by….dunking his head under water….now I would have understood if he were to drown this brain craving flesh lover what with the brain needing oxygen to survive, take away the oxygen by filing the lungs with water and you got yourself a dead zombie, but no….he literally just dunked its head under water it bobbed back up and lucky eddy just swam away….ok ignoring that silliness I’m still enjoying the film, excellent cinematography and the like, superb acting and, phenomenal music. The sound of his failed synchronized swimming lesson having attracted even undead he turns and aims at them…only to see that one of these unholy feet draggers is none other than…that’s right you guessed it. His son, Malcolm traded his blue eyes for a pair of pearly black because he’s craving his dads flesh as bad as the rest of them. More yelling from Ed, which turns into him hugging his undead child which turns into him blowing his kids brains out the faces backdoor. Well there goes the assumed plot of the movie; I hope they think of a new one fast.

Back at his house Ed is a little more distraught than normal….we see him chugging his bottle of whisky while crying and wailing about his son and his current state of affairs so with about 30 bullets scattered about his table he picks up his gun and loads one bullet….not all 6 chambers. Just one.  He then proceeds to play some half assed Russian roulette, which does not make any sense, if he wanted to be dead why not just load all 6 chambers? Each time he pulls the trigger and nothing comes out he begins screaming at the gun…..then the sky….then everything else around him. He then gets out of his chair goes outside and starts screaming some more!  After beating an undead to death he runs inside flips a table like a boss and falls to the ground. Finding an old picture he drew of a waterfall for his son he, flashes back, to him telling his son that one day he would take him there. I can definitely see where this is going, so he loads up his sins ashes and heads out for Ellis falls to release his son’s charred remains. Ok so new plot, go to Ellis falls, dump kids’ ashes, and live in peace I guess. So he sets out to put his son at peace and before you leave make sure you cross off your check list: horse? Check, only one pair of clothes you will never clean? Check, burn down your only shelter? Check…yeah he sets his house on fire before he leaves…for a reason that was never made obvious to me, I guess he’s got a nice little place up in Ellis falls. Anyway out we go with just him and his horse because now it’s all he got left now that his wife and kid are now worm food.  More beautiful scenery, great music and the occasional zombie fight very brief ones at that. Now his friggin horse has been bit?? How zombies only crave human flash…the virus shouldn’t even affect the equestrian type! At any rate we all know ed has to make the tough decision for the third time now and shoot his last loved one in the face….we are not even 30 minutes into this movie and he has turned his wife kid and horse into worm food!!! Coming up on a small town ed stops and decides to look around for supplies, the only logical thing he has done this whole movie and once in the town he comes in contact with a man named Isaac( perfectly moustached and a sweet beard(Adam Seybold) After a “tense” standoff they both drop their guard to hide from a zombie after which Isaac knocks ed out for seemingly no reason dragging him to some house that he shacked up in. after a few minutes of conversation Isaac reveals the evil plot of general Williams and the experimenting he is doing in his bunker the kicker is Williams has Isaacs sister and he enlists ed to help. After a few insults towards Ed’s manliness he agrees to help this complete stranger get his sister out of prison. A whole new story huh? Your film seems to be derailing. While on heir way to save the sister, perfect timing rears its ugly head as Isaac takes off to tinkle and general Williams and his men roll up on ed and take him prisoner…wait a minute general Williams is looking awfully familiar…..holy.shit. General Williams is played by (Bill Moseley!!) making him automatically the most bad ass man in this movie! Moving on we cut to Eddy in the jail cell with Isaacs’s sister. Some light convo ensues. General badass Williams goes to talk to his Dr. friend about looking for some sort of cure while the DR. is taking blood samples from patients and checks in his 1800s blood..sample..tester, which, surprise, he can’t find a cure. While this is happening Isaacs finds a way to sneak in completely undetected somehow and release all the prisoners. While silently shuffling out one of the women in the group screams for no.fucking.reason.  Now the chase is on! Which is abruptly and conveniently interrupted by zombies. During the entire hoop de la eddy is shot in the tummy. Isaacs sister quickly remembers an old medicine woman from their past which can deliver a miracle cure for a friggin bullet hole in his gut. After some light but coaxing she offers her master medicine skills in the form of taking out the bullet and nothing else, except for putting an old dirty cloth on his gaping wound. After some explain of how an older limited mobility woman can be surviving on her own in a zombie apocalypse, eve, that’s the old lady’s name, decides to wake up ed in the middle of the night and regail him with the story of how this whole friggin thing is her fault!!! Sis got raped, gets abortion, abortion=sin, murdered, brought back to life with magical scroll, after resurrected family reunion is put on hold due to her going bath salts Miami homeless guy on people, next thing ya know BOOM apocalypse .General badmutha mustache Williams, and his men quickly find out where they ran off to by using their 19th century GPS…..While they army boys plan an attack on them Edd decides to head out to Ellis falls and do what he set out to do in the first place. The kid. The ashes. The Ellis falls yada yada yada. Oh also, General awesome Williams wants Isaacs sister cause she is immune to the disease…her names eve by the way. So while he dumping his sons dust all over General Mcsuper cool Williams stages a raid on eves place kidnapping Isaac and sis leaving eve for dead on the ground, but she lives long enough to sputter some heroic words to ed, who then sets out for vengeance! Waits for night time puts on war paint with…mud that is two different colors, white on his face and black around his eyes.  Goes out into field and stats yelling yet again, attracting all sorts of zombies to his location. Wondering where the hell theses zombies were the rest of the movie. Wondering why he wants to be surrounded by zombies in the first pl……ok seriously…He can now control zombies somehow, yes by putting mud your face you automatically have the ability to control a hoard of zombies. It’s in the manual, read it some time. General superawesomeinthedevilsrejects Williams then comes out to fight a 20 deep hoard of malicious face masticators (Google it) with a friggin 6 shooter…valiant. Isaac gets shot too but also lives long enough to give some nuggets of wisdom…”finish this” Honestly, he seemed pretty adamant on  “finishing this”. Now chasing down General imabigfanofbillmoseley Williams, before pressing on he send Isaacs sister off by herself into the zombie infested world, back to eves which is still burnt down….not like anyone had time to rebuild. Ed runs outside and now that it’s suddenly daytime we can all see where this is going. Chases Williams through a crowd of zombies, come out at opposite sides of some river, zombies gone, profound “don’t wanna live in your type of world speech” reminds me of the movie ‘2012’. Turns into a good ol’ fashion duel…guess who wins…you’re goddamn right. Edward. Goes back to find sister…I think her name was Emma. Inspirational narration. Ed and Emma totally a couple now. Implying dead wife is cool with it cause she was happy in some dream he had….THE END.

Now as an overall movie? Could not have less to do with zombies, it was a rescue mission movie with the slight added annoyance of zombies. Now for some meaningless fucking rating

Acting: I thought they were all great actors, couple slip-ups in accent, but we can’t all be…some…guy…that’s good with accents. 4/5

Production: Great scenery, great camera control, great graphics, great zombie makeup, 5/5

Music: epic…nuff said 5/5

Story: wavered, fell off track, missed the point of a zombie movie, 2/5

Scary: one cheap ass jump scare…I friggin hate jump scared. But the fact that it did scare me…1/5

And I put Exit humanity at a grand total of 2 out 5…skulls? Hatchets? Tombstones? Meh fuck it, its October, therefore pumpkins.   2/5 pumpkins!

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