Excision (2012)

 

Reviewed by R.T.K

Another night, another beer (Coors, the banquet beer! {Sponsor me}), another horror movie to review. Richard Bates jrs’ first movie released in 2008, then again in 2012 with bigger names. Well its gotta be good if they decided to remake it with people with star power! So I hit play and I’m immediately welcomed with a scene of two girls sitting in chairs opposite each other. One suffering with blood dribbling out of her mouth, the other orgasming at the sight…..a girl jumps up in bed, it was her nightmare? I only question it because it seems like a nightmare but she thoroughly enjoyed the fantasy. Ok? I hope that doesn’t come back. Down at family breakfast we quickly see what’s wrong with this girl, her mom(Traci lords{the chick that blew bubbles out her hoo hah on Zach and miri make a porno}) is an over controlling, over bearing, super religious bitch! Obviously plays favorites with her daughters, the younger daughter, Gracie (Ariel winter {modern family}), obviously much prettier and better kept. Older daughter Pauline (annalynn McCord {according to my mom she was on ugly Betty once}), slightly hotter Kristen Stewart with random scabs and scars on her face, not sure where the drop off in care came about. When her father bob (roger Bart {smiley…ewww}) tries to defend Pauline for her mother’s onslaught of insults, he gets slapped down like a nutless pansy. Great family unit we got going here…

Pauline is obviously loud mouth and disobedient on purpose to piss off her mom. Well she was apparently rude long enough because she is sent regularly to a phscoylogis. A pastor. A pastor psychologist? A pastor psychologist played by (john fucking waters!!!) she doesn’t respond well to it. Jump to a scene of her praying deciding she wants to lose her virginity. Not sure with who, she is an extreme sociopath…the kinda sociopath that sits in their room and drinks beer while reviewing horror movies. The only difference is she has a plan for the future. She plans and is studying to become a surgeon. Gets called to councilor(marlee Matlin{you should know who she is})mom is there to discuss how she wants Pauline to be sent to cotillion class, some French dance class which turns awesome slutty girls into proper prudent ladies…lame. Oh great another dream about her didilling a dead chick…wakes up to curling toes obviously enjoys the thought. At school she blatantly walks right up to a guy, a popular guy, hands her phone number and announces she wants to lose her virginity to him….where the fuck were these girls when I was in high school!!!!??? It’s a movie calm down….ok I’m back. Comes home from school we see a scene where the younger daughter is getting some sort of breathing treatment. I’m sure they will explain that later. Yet another fucked up nekro nightmare, lesbian broad crawling over dead bodies before taking a dip in a bath tub full of blood. Hmm well then…Pauline wakes up once again in an orgasmic flurry. The popular guy Adam (Jeremy sumpter {peter pan, the 2003 remake}) actually takes her up on her up on her offer for sex? She sets up a date, honestly in my opinion I’m sure it will be a joke, Carrie style. This Pauline girl needs help, major help extremely obsessed with death, blood, and the macabre, well I guess this is a state of mind I can understand. She has been thrown out by society because she is different and people don’t like different you see when…wait what the actual hell is she doing. She’s in the bathroom and pulling out her tampon! She friggin smelling it!!!!  Well never mind she’s just nuts….jump back to a prayer scene a seemingly pointless request asking god for privacy. Another sex dream for Pauline which are starting to turn me on in an odd way. Gracie talks about her special camp she goes to for kids with cystic fibrosis. Gracie has cystic fibrosis. It’s the big day and Adam comes to pick her up and take her to a “study group”. Ony if they studying sexness!!!! So Adam comes rolling up in…a fucking Mercedes Benz…..I hate Adam. Still expecting a prank. They get to the hotel and well I have to admit I didn’t see it coming…they are defiantly having sex. The whole time she is fantasizing about being covered in blood and Adam being dead. During this whole sex scene I can’t help but notice this fool is still wearing socks…what a chump. Then right in the middle of sex she asks him to go down on her which seems innocent enough, after seconds of box munchin he jumps up runs to the mirror and discovers, surprise surprise, she’s on her period! Well at least you got your red wings Adam. Soon after a traumatized Adam drops her off at home. Not sure what this movie is building to. No set plot yet. Back to prayer! She prays for the gift of not being pregnant. Right after she has another messed up dream, this time about getting an abortion and putting the baby in some sort of microwave…now you’re talking my language! Baby does what one would expect in a microwave and blows up! Wakes up again in a sexual fluster. The next day Gracie finds put her best friend dies. All the girls she hangs with also have cystic fibrosis. Pauline promises she will do everything in her power to make sure she lives long enough to get married after walking in on her reading a bridal magazine. We now flash back to a childhood memory of Pauline’s dad saving her from a public pool while he has a cold sore on his lip, apparently transmitting herpes to his daughter. I’m assuming he gave her mouth to mouth. In class she insists several times on going to the bathroom. While in the bathroom she takes a huge swig of some sort of medicine. Back in class she requests to leave again because she is feeling sick. After being denied she finally pukes. Not only pukes but pukes on the popular chick in class! When she gets sent home her mom catches her in her attempt to make herself sick to get out of cotillion class. At the class, it turns out to be a disaster for everyone Gracie and Pauline. At home Pauline argues with her mom, mom smacks the crap outta her, Pauline throw food at her during dinner. After dinner mother renounces all love for Pauline which she hears. Harsh. Pauline starts to study hardcore on Gracie’s disease. Getting crazy enough to pick up a dead pigeon on the side of the road and dissect it all in an attempt to understand her sisters’ condition. Still have no idea what this movie is building towards or about….more prayer, more weird sex dream, etc. etc. Gracie begins to get worse. She needs to get put on a lung transplant list or shell, you know… Pauline vows to change her ways a make her parents proud. Mom goes out for evening, dad babysitting. She prepares tea for them with a suspicious white powder in dads’ tea. Ok what the hell is she planning….goes out tries to make friendly with the neighbor lady, well maybe she is renouncing her ways, maybe she’s gonna change her attitude and…well she chloroforming the neighbor girl…never mind.  She gives Gracie the same treatment…what the hell is going on?? A few scenes later I get my answer she’s going to perform  a lung transplant on her sister and the neighbor girl…in the garage….with no way to keep oxygen in her brain or any way of knowing if they have the same blood type….well mom comes home this should be interesting. Mom walks in right after the surgery. Pauline tries to show off her work to her mom. Mom hugs Pauline. They start screaming together. Credits.

Confused? I sure as hell am. I don’t know if I enjoyed it or not! Well let’s do this, time for some meaningless fucking ratings.

Acting: 5/5 everyone performed greatly with some surprising stars, Malcolm McDowell (Alex), Matthew gray gubler (the nerd from criminal minds), Ray wise (robo cop)

Production: 3/5 nothing spectacular, but not terrible

Music: 1/5 music in a horror movie should scare you or fit the scene, did not do either

Story: 2/5 the only reason I’m giving it a 2 is because I had no idea what they were working towards the entire span of the movie, the payout was not worth it

Scary: 0/5 surprised this was classified as a horror in the first place

2/5 pumpkins…wouldn’t recommend unless you get turned on by bloody necrophilia dreams

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