Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark (2010)

Ok, lets get the introductions out of the way. Don’t Be Afraid of The Dark is a film directed by Guillermo del Toro (Pans Labyrinth, Hell Boy) and is starring Katie Holmes(the unfortunate wife of Tom Cruise) and Guy Pearce(Prometheus).

The Synopsis: Family Moves into new house with a past marred with deaths. The family soon finds out what happened to the previous people living in the house. Little elf things living under ground that come through a air vent in the wall. They eat children’s teeth. so there’s that. Given their love of children’s teeth, they begin to attack the little girl. After some fighting, the little elves eventually drag the mom down into the underground lair where, it is to be inferred that,she joins them.

now, let me set for the scene and where I was in my life, in respect to horror movie quality. it had been seven months since I had seen ‘Paranormal Activity 2’, which i loved. I just walked out of ‘Insidious’,I was so happy, impressed, terrified. Horror was back in a big way. Not as great as before ,but at least it wasn’t suffering so bad anymore. i went to go see ‘insidious’ again, because i loved it that much. I then saw the trailer for a film shrouded in mystery and at the end of the trailer a monster jumps out while a little girl is walking under the covers. You remember the trailer, don’t you? Were you filled with hope and joy? I was. Not to mention, Guillermo del Toro. Love the guys work. So, i waited a few months and I was right there in august to see what was going to re affirm my hope for horror.

That’s what i thought i was going to see.

What I sat through was one of the worst. films. ever. Not just in the horror genre. Ever!

The most important part of a horror movie is the bad guy/monster. These monsters are the worst and least threatening i have seen in all my years. The reason I’m not scared of these elf things is because they don’t have a super natural ability. They are subject to the same laws of pain, gravity, physics, and corporeal. If you can squish it with your foot, its not scary. I don’t care how many there are. 10, 80, 500, 10,000,000. i don’t care, i will step on them like a demented exterminator and when I see where there all run to, you throw a fucking bomb down there, move out of the elf infested house, fuck bitch’s. Any questions? I mentioned squishing to bring this next problem up. Not only are they subject to human and natural laws, but they have a disadvantage because of their size. They barely come up to the ankle. Call me special teams because I would be punting elves out windows. And if that wasn’t enough reason to be scared to them, they are even more defective then the normal human. They can’t be in the light. Any contact with light hurts them. so this movie could have never been made if they just threw a couple of glow sticks down the wall grate. The whole point for a villain having one weakness is because the odds are so heavily weighted to the villains advantage. This is not the case in this movie. Well at least it shouldn’t be. The people in this cinematic tragedy are, shall we say, not filming with a full reel. Any one who can get taken down by a bunch of elves and killed by them, does not have all his senses lined up properly. One scene just baffled me completely. The scene is the little girl taking a bath, the elves go all yurtle the turtle and stuck on each others shoulders to turn off the bathroom light. Once the power is out, little girl gets out of tub, to run away, im assuming. Well she does not run away. The elves attack and she runs around in circles, in the bathroom, never once going for the door. While it looks like these creatures have little girl on a silver platter. They swing their claws inches away from her feet, they run in circles around her and make noises, never actually going in for the kill. She falls in the tub and gets saved by her mom or something. Sounds Stupid? it is. Because , they simply just turned off the light, while she was running around the bathroom she could have , at anytime, turned the light back on and killed the whole population of evil elves.

I went home and almost cried. What the hell happened?
Time for meaningless ratings

Everything: 0/5 It. All. Sucked.


4 Responses to “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark (2010)”

  1. Yeah, this one was pretty hard to sit through wasn’t it? It wa like a Gremlins sequel.

  2. You damn right! thanks for the love man!

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