Devil’s Gravestone (2010)

Reviewed by R.T.K.

Good evening patients of the ward, after a small hiatus I am back once again. Tonight I am watching “Devils Gravestone” directed and written by Jay Mackenzie Roach. I really wanted to like this movie because it is Jay first major production. Instead of ruse mocking I’m going to offer the , most constructive criticism I can. Jay, you are a very fantastic director and are fairly competent with a camera, lighting looks nice, good sound and even a compelling story. Here’s the problem, you need to hire a writer. The dialogue between your characters is painful. It’s partly the actors fault too, that much I’ll give you, but it’s so strained and the emphasis is all wrong. It doesn’t sound like a normal conversation at all.

That being said, this movie is leaning on one of the oldest horror standbys, vampires. A young lady runs around her city called roach city, not a joke, slaughtering vampires in search of her husband who is a vampire, come to think of, it I’m not too sure how he became a vampire or why she isn’t one. Anyway, she is looking for vengeance after the husband killed her kid. After going advanced interrogation all over these fools, Buffy teams up with Mr. Cheesiest fuckin cop in the world and he shows her that the husband is dead…which means the movie should be over. Well it’s not, instead they go talk to some guy who became an expert on the head vampire guy over night and told Buffy and wonder cop all about him in a diner set in a wonder fantasy world where you can smoke in doors still. He then explains how the head vampire is a pastor at a church that believes Jesus is actually Satan and all of Christianity is just propaganda in a war between heaven and hell. Meaning that every Sunday the masses are actually being fed the word of Lucifer instead of Jesus. An original plot full of blasphemy, my type of shit!! He goes on to reveal a prophecy about the end of the world and the coming of the anti christ. Well, you begin to realize that all the set up in the film has fit the prophecy perfectly. I then begin to lose massive interest as a love story begins to unfold. Is anyone going to try and stop the fucking apocalypse?! Well  guess what, they wasted all of their time being lovey dovey and now the evil  guy just straight up pulled a clearing house and mopped the floor with the heroes while he begins the ritual to bring Satan’s son into the world. Only to get stabbed in the back, it’s about as anticlimactic as my first time making fuck. Then some Angel pops up out of nowhere and the Damn movie ends. Like I said, at least the story is original.

Time for some meaninglessness ratings

Scary: 0/5
Acting: 1/5
Production: 3/5 
Story: 4/5
The main point is, the movie is obviously within budget constraints, don’t stop making movies dude. I have a feeling we will get some very good stuff out of you in the future.

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