Area 407 (2012)

Reviewed by R.T.K.

Currently drinking: single muthafuckin malt Scotch whisky

 Good evening patients of the ward, let’s have a sit down and decide what movie we shall review tonight. Scrolling through Netflix we see…hmmm, too famous, too old, too short (not the rapper), too $hort (the rapper), goddamn Steven King and his four hour long miniseries! Hey this looks good. Patients of the ward, tonight I will be reviewing a film called “Exit Humanity” directed by…wait a minute, Damn it I did that one already! *sigh* I didn’t want to resort to this but, eenie meenie miney, this one. So, patients of the ward, tonight I will be reviewing “Area 407” the first movie full length movie from Dale Fabrigar(?). Ok, seriously guys this is not on purpose, I don’t do this as a theme all these movies are pick at random. I can’t stress that enough, but in a happy coincidence, they all seem to be first person shooters. This film is no exception. So we got two girls boarding an airplane, going home. The little sister is an extremely annoying, humongous mouth with hair attached, bugging the entire airplane with her recording. The older sister is a pair of boobs.  While still on the plane, the filmmaker decides to solve several of the lighting problems that a first person shooter would have, luckily they are sitting in front of a journalist that has a nice fancy L.E.D. light on his camera. Prediction for the future: he will use that to illuminate a dark area for these two girls. A lot of time being used to make friends with their fellow flyers. During some celebrating the New Year, the captain announces turbulence and the fun starts. On a free fall to the ground the little makes sure to keep on filming and even after they crash into the ground they make sure to keep on filming. For any normal person, this would be a good time to turn off the damn camera and focus on getting out. They all regroup outside with everyone seemingly fine except for some bleeding, I mean considering they just free fell from 30,000 feet. I’m not too sure where this movie is going. Of course everyone is shouting for her to turn the camera off and minutes later she turns it right back on. Crying about no one having bars for their phone. So the movie is just the angered ramblings of the surviving group, constantly screaming at each other about the plane crash and why they have not been rescued after 45 minutes of sitting. Can a ghost come out and kill someone? Please? Or maybe one of them goes crazy and starts throwing people into the engine.

After more group first aid, the monotony gets broken by someone yelling and what sounds like roaring? He’s screaming out for help and they are asking for his name? I’m beginning to gather there’s monster in them woods. After a man from the other crash site (there’s two crash sites?) comes running up claiming everyone’s dead and there is something big out there, while hearing roaring coming from the woods, I’m really wondering why nobody cares. No one questions the claim. Quite the contrary, the stewardess breaks open the snack bar and starts coming off like Santa Claus and throwing out snacks to the group. Well the attacks start and whatever is in the woods is now right up on them and picking them off. Of course, the camera needs to be recording the whole time for the detachable light to work.  And this creature is an amazing ninja with stealth skills that only lets little pieces of its self be seen. It chases them into a shack that is apparently close enough to run to in 10 seconds, but not close enough to see from the crash site. While in the shack, the marvelously irritating symphony of banging on the wall and the entire group screaming. And nobody understands the term SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! but everyone loves saying it. They spend the next few minutes acting like they are experts on all wildlife. My favorite line of the movie so far “What time is it? girls check your phone” “I have no signal”. Are you kidding me? Gee, what a cute scene of everyone sitting around getting to know each other. I cannot care less about these people’s personal lives; it has nothing to do with the story. They find an army footlocker, the only reason I point this out is because they find some flashlights so they don’t need the camera anymore right? Whatever, anyway, guy drives up and everyone thinks they are saved. He asks a few questions and then quickly drives away. Next favorite quote of the movie: right after the man drives away “where are you going we are still here?!” “He had to see us, he was standing right there!” you just had a conversation with the guy. The question is not whether he saw you or not, but rather, why the hell did he just abandon you? Shortly after the “thing” attacks again, a masterfully shot scene in which a man is dragged off while is legs are fully illuminated by the light revealing, nothing is dragging him. Stupid little girl falls down and hurts her ankle; I only mention this to bring up my next favorite quote. Paraphrased, it goes like this “ ow I’m stupid and hurt my ankle” “well, let me help you up” “ow my arm hurts from the plane crash” “you can do it I believe in you, although it is a little strange I’m so heavily invested in the survival of someone I have only known for an hour” “I can’t, I’m too whiny to stand” “ok, then I will take my leave and save my own ass” “get back here and help us you jerk!” women, am I right fellas? So this thing that is chasing them, that just dragged off two people is, now, far away enough to let them have a pep talk. This super ninja creature assassin is currently being out run by a group of hobbling, bleeding, and limping loud mouths. They stumble upon an abandoned building that’s have broken down and the little runs into it softly calling out hello. 1. You were just a limping crying mess, now you are able to run up to buildings, 2. The entire building is collapsed in, who do you think is living in there? They are now held up in shack number 2. Good thing they checked the phone, what with all the electricity running through the place (there is none!)  Happy days, they find an old army radio that works somehow. The news is less than encouraging when they are asked to return to the crash site for a flare gun to shoot into the air, so the woman on the radio can send help to that specific location. Did I mention one of these broads has a gun? Why not just shoot that into the air? That would be smart, but to make sure the people are not disappoint, they do something stupid and go right back outside and take a completely un familiar path back, rather than the one they just took to get there and are slightly more familiar with. Ok so one of the guys pukes up some eggs. So yeah that just happened. I’m not
sure how that makes any sense. The other guy mentions he got bitten. He is saying these creatures, impregnate others with a bite? A bite that supposedly injects an egg into the host and for a gestation period of about an hour, get puked out by said host. Now I understand this is Sci-Fi, but that kind of logic is more like Special-Ed. Happy days again, they stumble upon the same car that abandoned them before. While driving away, the hit one of these things and they stop driving because of it. I’m not sure why they would stop driving. Another favorite quote: while being attacked inside the car “stay away from the windows” how in the hell can you stay away from windows in a car? So the egg puker says he will make a run for it to distract the monster while the rest of the group takes off in the car, good idea. That would have been smart. But not wanting to disappoint this movie does it again and makes a dumb decision. The woman, who is driving the vehicle that is the ticket to their freedom, takes off after him. She leaves the entire rest of the group encased in a metallic coffin with a monster on the loose to save some asshole that is just bleeding all over the back seat. One of the dumbest things I have ever seen in a movie. Older sis takes the wheel and hits the woman that ran out to save the other guy. Then the guy that ran off to distract the beast gets back in the car. So, he got the attention and brought it back to the car! Holy fucking Moses this movie is nuts. Once in the car, they drive a total of ten feet and are back at the original crash site. Well at least he shot the flare off before getting attacked and eaten. Then she crashes the car driving away from the location they shot the flare off at. You might want to be around the general area when the people get there. While making their way from the car crash, they stop running to go back and grab the damn camera of course. The next morning, they come across a few signs pointing out they are in a militarized zone. They make their way to the gate and another car pulls up, but this one picks them up and begins asking, what’s wrong and how many are in their group. As soon as it’s revealed they are alone he blasts them both in the
head! He picks up their camera to examine the footage and when he does we see a sight that should have been extremely visible to him, it’s a fucking T-rex. Tyranno-fucking-saurus Rex. About as big as the “velociraptors” In ‘Jurassic park’, that he couldn’t hear or see until the camera was on him. The damn thing eats him. Credits. So, what the fuck was the angle here? Was it some sort of military secret that Jurassic park was real and they had to kill the girls to keep the secret from getting out? If that was true, how could the military guy at the end be so careless as to let his guard down anywhere around the dinosaur pen? Or, did he kill the girls simply because they were in a militarized zone, but then where the fuck did the dinosaur come from? That’s too much of a coincidence for me. And the military people dropped hints the whole time saying they understood their situation. Ok Mr. Army guy, if you were aware of the situation after them yelling out they were being chased by something, how did you get attacked and crash your car for them to find later? I’m almost offended this is labeled as a horror movie. Here’s a big note for film makers. Shaky camera movement doesn’t make a horror movie. Scaring people does. This was a shitty Sci-Fi movie trying to extend in to horror by using the latest fad by filming in first person. It worked in Paranormal Activity because they had a good writer and director. It wasn’t because the camera was first person. As far as a monster is concerned, it is pathetic. And what about the freaking eggs?!?! It’s like a sad “Cloverfield” almost mocking the movie by using the same technique of showing bits of the monster before the big reveal at the end.
Time for some meaningless ratings.

Scary: 1/5 your monster is bad and you should feel bad. Miniature
T-Rex? Really?
Acting: 1/5 this fun fact I spotted on IMDb should explain a
lot “did you know:  The movie was shot in
five days and all ad-libbed by the actors?” I did not know, but I definitely
could have guessed.
Production: 1/5 crappy CGI, all the wounds were just blood
stains with no opening or cut, childish props used to show off pieces of
monster,  the T-Rex at the end its self
was all CGI, and again above I would like to point out it was shot in five
days. It’s apparent.
Story: 1/5 Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield, and Jurassic
Park called, they want their everything back
Overall: 1/5 utterly terrible, if you see it a store,a in
the DVD racks, never shop there again.

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