Airborne (2012)

Reviewed by R.T.K.

Hello patients of the ward, R.T.K. here with another review. Today I will be watching ‘Airborne’ I’m about 10 minutes in and all of that time has been wasted on getting to know all of our not so happy campers. Let me explain, so far in the we have some head honcho airplane company on his last shift before retirement and it his job to make sure this flight lands safely, we also have a group of people trying to get to new York and have all found themselves on the last flight out in a nasty storm. Also, they are traveling with a very suspicious looking package; I only say that because they continue to fill in minutes with ominous slow zooming in.

About half way through the flight the crew keeps up their happy happy joy joy act even when people have gone missing. This isn’t important to the story, but after a man makes a ruckus about the man that went missing, he gets knocked out and wakes up in a chair which he is strapped down to and it seems a little weird that he is totally fine with it. He actually begins flirting with the lady on the plane. Also, while the passengers are yelling in the crews face and threating them with physical assault, the flight attendants joke about how they don’t want to deal with the problem and how it’s supposed to be their break. These extreme lapses in logic and reason are rampant throughout the film, including the lady on the plane lying about the pilot’s very existence, a flight attendant attempting to perform C.P.R. on a poisoned man, and an ex-military bouncer that can beat the hell out of TWO count them TWO marines but gets beaten to a pulp by some Barbie look alike. After higher authorities are contacted it is brought to our attention the mysterious package is a rare Chinese vase. Shortly after that is revealed that the lady on the plane and another passenger are in cahoots to hijack the plane and abscond with the precious item. Well nothing left to do but wait for this movie to end. I’ll just stick a fork in it because I know exactly where this is going.

Time for some meaningless ratings…Wait a minute…..what the? Some strange force brings one of the dead passengers back to life….  What the hell. As soon as he comes back he smashes him face in and dies again. What the fuck is going on!? The old man that brought the vase on board tells a story about how the spirit of some ancient god lives in the vase jumps from human to human looking for the perfect host which will bring about the end of the world as the Mayans predicted. Sounds stupid? That’s because it is extremely stupid! So the higher authorities call in even higher authorities and they then decide to shoot down the plane, ok now I’m sure this movie will be over soon Time for some meaningless ratings What the? Ooooooook the pilots are refusing to shoot down the airplane because it’s over South American airspace so back to the movie. Here’s what I don’t get, they wasted all this time to jump two different stories on us. This should have been a hi-jacking movie with a horror twist or a horror movie with a hi-jacking twist. Any way the spirit thingy is jumping form body to body causing everyone to kill themselves or each other, amongst all this chaos the old man gets on the overhead speakers and announces he is going to crash the plane into the ocean to prevent the spirit from getting out into the world. Ok now I’m sure the movie is over. The guy made a long profound speech and everything.

Time for some meaningless….OH COME ON!!!!!  Ex-military bouncer guy stops him and pulls the plane up just in time. When will this effing movie end? Old man, realizing he just got beat, jumps out of the plane, which sounds great right about now. New plan, flight attendant is going to cross some magic wires and shut the whole plane down. Bringing us to the cheesiest line the film, after getting stabbed a man says “when you see god tell him to put the kettle on, cause I’m coming” holy fuck I’m so done with this movie. The plane crashes and it is revealed at the very end that the head honcho that was fighting to save them the whole movie has himself become infected with the spirit, or possessed. Completely throwing any sense this movie made right out the window Only good thing about this movie was Mark Hamill.

Scary: 0/5 waking up for work is scarier than this movie
Acting: 3/5
Production: 3/5
Story: 2/5 the only reason it’s this high is because it is original,
just stupid.
Overall: 1/5


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